


Bitter

by Peachpancake



Series: Captain Chan [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: ANGSTTT, Angst, Chan is sad, Gen, M/M, also this is like super angst, and he looks down on himself so much and I WANT HIM TO BE OK, and hes putting too much pressure on himself as a leader, banginho, basically chan feels too much, but yeah basically this fic is chan being sad and the hyung line helping him, exhausted chan, felix is only mentioned sorry, i love chan, idk what else to tag, kinda trigger warning?, minchan, theres a lot of self hatred in there so be careful, two of my fave ships ok, woochan - Freeform, written as platonic for all the ships but i mean u can always imagine it as not platonic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-07-20 09:01:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16134023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peachpancake/pseuds/Peachpancake
Summary: He’s been holding onto himself by a thread, barely keeping it together, only focusing on one thing - to debut his team. No matter how long he stayed up working, how much he injured himself or how much he had to pretend to be okay, he never let himself go. He couldn’t make a mistake and fuck things up.So he thought that when they debut with all nine members, all he will feel is relief. His problems would be solved, and everything that he’d done will be worth it.It doesn’t feel like it at all, and it’s fucking him up.





	Bitter

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, this is kinda angsty, sorry for hurting Chan like this <3  
> Also this has not been proofread so sorry about the typos

They debuted. Finally, they debuted and this stupid reality show is over and they’ve made it, all nine of them, and this is what he wanted, isn’t it? This is what he always wanted, to finally be on stage and perform with the people he loves, to be there next to them as they smile and radiate pure happiness, because they’ve  _ made  _ it - 

 

So why is he crying?

 

He’s in the dorms, hiding in the bathroom. Everyone is already asleep - he knows, because he checked on everyone. He had to make sure that everyone is okay. That all nine of them are there. 

 

He’s suffocating. He’s trying so hard to hold in the sobs that try to escape from him, curling to himself right next to the bathtub and hiding himself from everything. His chest hurts so bad and he’s in so much pain and he  _ hates  _ himself for it, hates how he’s supposed to be happy right now and all he can do is cry. 

 

They made it. 

 

Chan is getting exhausted of breathing. He can’t seem to slow himself down, he’s gasping for air like he’s drowning and  _ maybe he is, _ maybe he’s slowly disappearing and nobody will notice because he doesn’t want them to, he shouldn’t want them to, because he’s supposed to be able to swim in the first place - he’s supposed to be the one who shows them the way, shows them how to float and how is he going to do that if he can’t even save himself?

 

He is so frustrated and so, so sad, and there are so many emotions that are slowly eating him away, so Chan just lets himself lie against the cold, hard floor, pressing himself into it.  The coolness of it soothes the sweat on his skin, but he doesn’t let himself focus on it. His  _ brain _ doesn’t let him focus on it because every time he thinks he cannot feel anymore, the monster in his head jumps at the vulnerability and stabs him again. 

 

How can he let himself be happy when he almost lost them?

 

He wants to blame it on the unfairness of the world, but deep inside, he thinks it’s his fault. Felix and Minho didn’t deserve to be eliminated. He should have helped them more, he should have been a better leader, but he wasn’t, and now they’ve only just made it. He should be relieved, but all he can feel is bitterness. 

 

He thought that after debuting, things will be okay again. He’s been holding onto himself by a thread, barely keeping it together, only focusing on one thing - to debut his team. No matter how long he stayed up working, how much he injured himself or how much he had to pretend to be okay, he never let himself go. He couldn’t make a mistake and fuck things up. 

So he thought that when they debut with all nine members, all he will feel is relief. His problems would be solved, and everything that he’d done will be worth it.

 

It doesn’t feel like it at all, and it’s  _ fucking _ him up.

 

He doesn’t feel happy. He doesn’t feel okay. He feels bitter and somewhere between hurt and exhausted and it feels like he’s burning out and drowning at the same time. He doesn’t see anything but blue, even though he wishes to see the petal pink and rose gold of his members, of their yellow laughs and beautiful smiles. And though he hoped for a change after debut, he didn’t expect things to get worse. 

 

His sobs are quieter now, and he’s scowling at himself for letting his self pity go this far. He’s being unfair. Ungrateful. How can he let himself be this way when they debuted? He briefly lets himself wonder if his members would frown at him if they would know he’s crying in the bathroom. If they would be disappointed in him because he’s not doing what a leader should do. His eyes drop though, his mind too exhausted to follow up on that thought, and Chan falls asleep, reaching out for something to hold onto, but at the end, slipping into unconsciousness nevertheless. 

 

*

 

It’s Woojin who finds him in the morning. 

 

He wakes up to the sound of a sharp gasp, and then quick footsteps. Chan’s head hurts like hell and he feels sore everywhere. He tries to move but a sharp pain shoots through his back and he holds back a pained hiss. He doesn’t know where he is.

 

“What the fuck are you doing, Chan?” says Woojin, and Chan already knows that something is not right because Woojin never curses. He wills his eyes to open again, and he manages to blink up to the older. “Chan? Are you okay?”

 

“I’m fine,” says Chan, and it’s an automatic response, one that he doesn’t even think of. Woojin frowns and Chan finally realises where he is. “Seriously, I’m  _ fine _ . I must have fell asleep after using the toilet or something.” He tries to stand up, pointedly ignoring the pain in his body as he offers a goofy smile.

 

“Chan,” whispers Woojin, and the other looks at him. The older looks scared, panicked even, and Chan furrows his eyebrows. He turns to Woojin, but he catches his reflection in the mirror and he freezes. 

 

He looks  _ terrible _ .

 

“Shit,” he says, and then backs away from Woojin. 

 

He’s not supposed to see Chan like this. No one is. He turns away from the older, burying his face in his hands as he takes a deep breath. The purple circles under his eyes brings attention to the hollowness of it. His eyebags are big and dark and the dried tear marks can be still seen on his face, which tells him that he couldn’t have fallen asleep that long ago. 

 

Woojin was  _ not _ supposed to see him like this. 

 

“Chan, hey,” Woojin touches his shoulders and he flinches. “look at me.”

 

Chan doesn’t want to, but hearing Woojin’s voice be so desperate, he does it anyway. 

 

The second he looks up at the older, he draws him in for a hug, and the gesture was so  _ intimate _ that Chan is sure he would have cried right there if he wouldn’t have already used up all his tears. He practically melts into the other’s arm, exhaustion taking over as he lets all his armor down. 

 

“Shh, it’s okay,” Woojin whispers. “It’s okay.” 

 

Chan doesn’t believe him, but he doesn’t tell the other that. He lets him hold him. He looks behind Woojin and sees Minho, scared and doe-eyed, and Chan wants to tense up and hide away but Woojin’s arms are holding him close and he doesn’t have the energy to run anymore. He lets out a miserable pout, burying his face into the older’s shoulder, and soon enough he feels Minho join the hug. He lets him hold his hand.

 

“Hyung,” he whispers and Chan’s heart breaks. “hyung, what’s wrong?”

 

He doesn’t want to say anything.

 

“Chan, let us help you,” begs Woojin.

 

“I just,” Chan gulps, hiding himself in the older’s arm even more. “I just feel so  _ exhausted _ .”

 

They understand. They understand that Chan doesn’t mean that he’s tired, he doesn’t mean that his problems can be fixed with a good night’s sleep and he feels so relieved. Minho’s eyes are tearing up and Chan instinctively reach up to wipe away his tears. Woojin holds him closer and Chan thinks that maybe he didn’t hide himself as well as he thought he did. 

 

“We’re here, hyung,” promises Minho, and he squeezes his hand. “We’re always here for you.”

 

Chan closes his eyes and squeezes back.

  
  



End file.
